I feel the chains pull me down as I sink into the dark. Fighting it with fear pulsing through me till despair claims my heart, I can't get out, I can't move, I'm trapped in depression. Writers and depression: not a good combination.
Hey everyone. I'm back, and it's been three more years since my post on self-doubt. Two years, but I've been writing so I guess it's a victory of sorts. However, it has been the hardest thing to keep going.
Through those two years, I've found out that I have anxiety and depression, had to move away from home with no resources, and come to terms with the fact that my childhood was filled with passive aggression and emotional abuse. It has been the hardest thing I've ever had to face, and I now find it affecting my writing.
Writers and Depression and Anxiety: An Endless Cycle
Some people might shrug that off—anxiety, depression, who cares? Just stop being anxious or depressed. What they don't realize is it’s not something you can shrug off. Heck, if you could you’d have done that a long time ago. Why make yourself suffer if it was that easy to get rid of? It affects everything, and for me writing was hit the hardest.
Every time I pick up a writing piece or think about what I want to write next, it comes like a thief in the night to stab me with doubt. “What are you doing? Haven't we already confirmed this? You aren't a writer. You can't do it,” it says and laughs at my pain, my anguish, as I clutch my wounds and try to keep walking.
I am wrapped in chains as the depression follows, each thought adding to my already impossible weight. It's not too long before the wound and weight make me fall, leaving me motionless and alone. I can't get up, and even if I could the effort is too much.
My anxiety and depression watch me and laugh, dancing around me in glee. Everything within me wants to give up, give in, and vanish, but one spark remains in my heavy heart. I focus on it and somehow keep moving because of the spark that got me into the game, the spark that tells me I can't give up. And so, I trudge on with great effort, one step at a time.
Anyone who’s been in it knows the cycle. Rinse and Repeat. A endless cycle of paralyzing doubt, fear, and hopelessness. And yet here we stand, still here, hollow survivors.
Some days it's hard to even get to the writing point, some days it's hard to wake up, and some days it's hard to go to bed. I push on. The only way to fight it is to do what it says you can't—a task so heavy and so great that it is almost bitter sweet.
Sure, you could write something and banish doubt for a time, but it's bound to return when you look at it again. When you start to see the imperfections. The only way to fight it is to keep going.
Writing Through the Pain
Pain is powerful. It breaks us, tears us down, leaving behind tattered emotions and shredded dreams. It’s hard to face; it’s just easier to let it stay, hidden in your soul. Oft times we smile it away, but deep inside it remains.
That is my everyday now. Most days I can't write. Most days that fact drags me deeper into depression. And when depression takes a break, anxiety comes right after, using its sharp knives to convince me to cower from the page and not write at all.
When I get like this, the only thing I can do to break the cycle is vomit on the page. I never know what's going to come out, and starting to write is the hardest part. My pain spews out on the page like blood. I let the words flow; I refuse to look at them.
Sometimes you just have to write.
It doesn't have to be published, it doesn't have to be in a piece you're working on. The point is to get the doubts on the page, and only then can you start to counter them.
Fear Flees From Action
I can see your eyes rolling. I’m sure you’ve heard this before. I can see your yes buts. It’s okay. Action is hard. A four-letter word that makes you shake and curl up inside. Fear so powerful that it’s a presence on your shoulder—how could it just go away?
I’ve been there. I never believed the stories that it fled from action, at least not consciously. Till the one day it just hurt too much to not write. It had been a rough day, anxiety and depression pulling me to my wit's end, but I hadn’t said a word. I was trained out of communicating painful things, but this time it was just too much.
I didn’t want to open a blank page; I didn’t want to start writing; fear pulled at me—but my pain spoke louder. I opened the doc and with trembling fingers started writing. It quickly became nearly gibberish as I wrote with tears flowing down my face, but it felt so good. Anger frustration grief all being taken off my shoulders and thrown on the page. Fear completely gone from my mind within the first paragraph.
I'd like to urge you guys to write anyway. It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt, and in some cases it'll make you cry. Write it anyway. You can't fix a blank page.
Once you write, reward yourself. Anything from watching a favorite movie, to eating a candy bar, or treating yourself in any other way. This is important. Because if you don't reward yourself the doubt can just as easily say that what you made was a fraud. By rewarding yourself you acknowledge that you did something good, something worthwhile.
Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about a job well done. You earned it.
You Can Do It
I’m not going to start this saying it’ll be easy. It won’t be. It might be the hardest thing you ever do, but of course facing fear is always scary. It was hard to let myself accept what my parents were, and harder still to realize I had anxiety and depression. But I’m still here, still fighting the fight. You can too.
You can take control back in your life. No matter how deep you go, you can make it through even if you're not out yet. You have the power to get up anyway. No matter how many times you’ve done it before, you can do it again and again.
Even if your body gives up on you, even if you’ve had enough, even if it takes all your effort to get out of bed. You can do it. As long as you don’t give up on yourself, nothing can stop you. Even if you don’t believe that and only long to, that is enough. You are enough. All it takes is one step, one choice, one word.
All you need to do is start.
Have you ever experienced anxiety or depression in your writing? How did you overcome it? Let me know in the comments.
PRACTICE
For fifteen minutes, I want you to vomit on the page everything that is keeping you from writing, whatever project you are working on. Or, you can simply describe your experience with writing and mental illness. Don't stop to edit; just try to write as much as you can. I won't make you share that piece in the comments if you don't want, although you're more than welcome to. Happy writing!
This is so so so important. Thank you so much for writing this. Normally I would take the time to write my practice piece before commenting, but I had to respond to this article as soon as I finished reading it. I have anxiety and depression as well; have done since I was a little kid, and I’m in college now. I went through the worst depressive episode I’ve ever had a few months ago. Writing was the one thing that kept me going. Diving into my characters’ world for a little while helped me cope with my own. I’m now on anti-depressants, doing much better, and writing a novel about a woman with depression. Thank you again for writing this article and sharing your experiences. It means so much.
I’m glad it resonated with you 🙂 It’s a bit scary for me to put this out there if I’m honest but i’m glad it helped you 🙂 Good luck on your writing and college!
Hah! there’s no solution to curing depression and anxiety. You say “write about it.” Voila’ and kill three birds with one stone. A triple reward, but am I not stuck with depression and anxiety even though I’ve overcome my procrastination? Is this the blessing and reward from having depression and anxiety?
I agree with you. I don’t think that writing can cure depression or anxiety. But it sure as hell can make you feel a whole lot better. I loved this article. I don’t have any horrible thing that’s ever happened to me like abuse or stuff like that and thank God for that. But I do struggle with really low self esteem and no self confidence. Also, I just want to add something. Writing on paper can help better than typing on the computer. I’ve tried both and I think the former helps better. If you get so angry, you can press so hard on the paper and break the lead and that’s a good feeling.
It isn’t that I can’t write, it is I can’t stop crying. The onslaught of tears blurs my vision to the point I can’t see to type. The nasal discharge interferes with my thought process. The pain is so intense I feel as if my brain is sucked into the vortex of darkness and prison. I don’t want to feel this way. I would love to rise up and cast off the darkness, push aside the ubiquitous black clouds and see the sun. Some days I can manage to sweep away the possibility of pain. Some days I can navigate the fringe of pain and stay mainly on the highway to strong. Some days I can only ride the wave of tears, grabbing glimpses of hope, taking a breath, going to the bathroom, eating a good meal. Some days I can even laugh at the comments of ‘just get over it’ ‘let it go’. Are you kidding? I vow every day to let go of the pain but some days it is just so damn tenacious. And yes I wrote right through to the other side of the pain.
Hey Karen, I feel for you. I really do. I hope you can weather the storm we are both in. So glad you were able to write to the other side of pain. Just remember, we are warriors. We battle every day! We can do this!
Hi Karen,
I am sorry that you are going through a lot of pain that prevents you from writing. But it seems that you are able to produce poetry lines (“push aside the ubiquitous black clouds and see the sun”) from having such intense emotions in your comment. It sucks to go through such terrible emotional pain, but I hope you will find a way to “use” that in your writing and overcome your struggle soon.
I love this article. I only wish Ernest Hemmingway was around to read this. He did battle depression.
It seems like a lot of writers battle depression or anxiety at some point in their career. So glad you enjoyed it!
Hemingway is an alcoholic, that causes his depression
which came first, the drinking or the depression? or the depression and the self-medication of drinking…
It’s funny, funny odd that is. This morning I had a serious panic attack. What sets it off for me are smells. I made a mistake of spraying something in the house and this morning I ran around the house screaming. I know it’s not the same, your problem is long lasting mine is short but it is still like yours in that it is controlled in our minds. I’m sorry for you and your problem. This hit me right out of nowhere. Yours is like a slow burning fuse mine is like a bomb! Hang in there.
Thanks Larry, some days are harder then others but I’m making it slowly. I hope you can deal with your panic attacks too! I know that some times smells really trigger me too. Thanks for your comment!
I come from an alcoholic family. Anxiety and depression have been constant companions since adolescence. I began journaling at age twelve, and have been doing so daily for several years. In this way, I use my writing to process my feelings. When working on my fiction, short story, essay, or memoir writing, I falter. Anxiety and depression thwart me even getting started, afflicting me with fatigue that renders me immobile. In addition to journaling, which has saved my life, I encourage writers to seek professional counseling, another life saver. Don’t be afraid of medication if you need it. I have to have all three. To all my fellow writers who deal with anxiety and depression, I extend my heartfelt support and encouragement. Happy writing.
Yeah I’ve been trying to do this battle alone for a while now. But I’m now on medication and am in therapy which I’m hoping will be able to help me deal with this if it’s a forever thing in my life. Thanks for reading my post and your comment! Good luck to you as well!
I am right there with you, Billie. God Bless.
I just finished reading your article and can relate to it in so many ways. I have struggled with anxiety and depression off and on through out my life. That is the reason I decided to start writing again after so many years of not doing so. For me writing has always been a way to find answers. I just want to thank you for the honesty and courage you’ve shown in your writing.
Thanks for that Pat! I’m so glad you enjoyed it!
I had a really bad childhood and I have an anxiety disorder and your article was the Same way I feel way writing has saved my life I have learn to turn negative feelings into something more creative I do have been days and that’s when I write what I feel and how I am feeling
I’m so glad you are able to do that! It really helps. I wish you luck in this battle we’re both in! Good luck with your writing!
Even free clinics have antidepressants. Run, don’t walk to the nearest clinic. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain. It’s no different than having diabetes. Your body isn’t working correctly. It might not have anything to do with your childhood, your current environment, or whatever. Those things exacerbate the problem but they aren’t always the cause. Stop trying to “handle” this on your own. You need professional help. Believe me. I know. I’ve been there.
Yeah, I know. I’m on some now and going to therapy. But even then it’s hard to write. I find that vomiting on the page at least gets me started there. I just don’t have very much motivation still. It helps a lot to vomit on the page for me.
Yes, Tsali. Spot on. I was glad to read your comment. Does it help, I wonder, to externalise/personalise/anthropomorphise depression? Without medication I cannot write and with it, not all the time. What I do know is this: my experience of depression and my sensitivity do make me a better writer; although I am ever aware of a degree of narcissism and a propensity to write purple prose.
One of the hardest things about anxiety and depression is that they affect your view of self, especially as compared to others. You look around and see a world of “normal” people and wonder if that will ever be you. The reality is that you are loved just the way you are. I have the love of family and friends and the unconditional love of God.
Having struggled with depression since I was a teenager, this has been one of the most freeing truths. Truth is the enemy of depression, doubt, and anxiety who all like to live in the shadows of deception. They may always lurk behind me but I am not afraid of them any more.
That’s so great what growth you’ve had Jessica! I so agree. I’m still working on realizing I’m loved and all of that but your story gives me hope that I can eventually get there. Thanks!
I love the positive theme and voice that echoes throughout this article, and empathise completely with the emotional torment caused by anxiety and depression. I will remember this article as I face future doubts. Thank you.
Your welcome 🙂 thanks so much for reading it!
How timely that I came across this. I’m on day 6 of an anxiety attack that has my insides trembling, having trouble breathing and feeling lightheaded. I haven’t been able to write anything coherent since it started and only today started feeling okay about that. I’ve had anxiety for years, most of that time not knowing what it was, and after my diagnosis was able to build up my mental defenses against it. Those defenses were stripped away in one fell swoop and I’m having a hard time building them back up again, but I’m working on it. Thank you for sharing your struggles, it helps all of us who go through the same thing. By knowing we aren’t alone we can all learn to fight and cope in our own ways.
Your welcome 🙂 I like sharing with people and inspiring people. Good Luck in bringing back your mental resilience! You did it once you can do it again! Good luck in all your writing endeavors!
Personally, I’ve struggled with any means of progression in many of my favorite hobbies, recreational free-writing being a major one, due to frequently and relentlessly being victimized by anxiety attacks that make my normal levels of everyday anxiousness to triple instantaneously which then completely . On rare occasions, Ill feel brave enough to fight back for the things that I love which in 90% percent of the cases I end up defeated. Literally, these are those annoying moments when I have not even one sentence fully completed on my laptop screen and as always, my conscience comes barging in to throw in its 2 cents, “Are you joking right now? This is a joke, right?” which makes me delete and try to think of a new intro. “Give it up man … you’ll never be a real writer“. This is usually the point free-writing where Netflix suddenly seems way more appealing.
The worst part about this, in my opinion, is that when I have these episodes of anxiousness and depression fueled by anxiety like gasoline fueling an open fire, I have them at the most random and undesirable moments, thus making my sense of panicking even worse. For example, one second ill be in class feeling fine and ready to present my paper,“… you prepared all week for this paper man, no need to worry!” Then, boom! All it takes is for me to proofread my paper one last time, notice something doesn’t seem quite right about the grammar in one sentence and just like that, it’s all downhill from there. Anxiety plays it’s key role by making me believe that I have found another error, then another, and another until I’m forced into believing that the entire paper, all 7 pages, is nonsense speaking gibberish, and then finally depression swings in for the knockout and I’m looking for the nearest exit.
I chose to use a very mild example in order to show how fast and abruptly these unpleasant episodes of depression fueled anxiety can take over. I have been made subject to all forms of verbal abuse, but I was especially abused both emotionally and mentally for years by everyone I know and am currently still dealing with such abuse. There have been unforgettable incidents where my depression is so heavily buried within me that I unknowingly push away everything and anything that designed or willing to help me feel better. Similar ncidents where my anxiety reaches a point so high that its feels uncontrollable and unbearable, and thats when I find everything extremely irritating. My solution, which isnt really a solution, is to isolate myself from everything and prefer to be alone until I feel somewhat alleviated. But the hardest part for me to deal with overall is the fact that I developed these really bad cases of social anxiety and long periods of heavy depression overtime and it was right after coming out of high school and going into college. This made my college experience a hellbent nightmare for 2 very long and dreadful years. Pressured mounted on top of my head by strange faces in every direction on campus, assignments we were given that sometimes were really difficult to understand, and impossible deadlines for huge projects I had to meet in order to recieve a passing grade. I was never the type to be socially anxious or nervous around people, let alone believe that I have reasons for depression. In fact, during my high school years I was completely the opposite of what I am now. Social interactions with whomever and wherever where never seen as a potential risk of anxiety attacks. I loved engaging in conversation with friends, teachers, and even strangers at some points and during my high school years I was convinced that depression was only something people old get since none of my friends never mentioned it. Thats absolutely the worst part about it for me. The fact that no matter what I seem to do now in order to get rid of these conficts, I am unable to outgrow these horrible feelings.
Personally, I’ve struggled with any means of progression in many of my favorite hobbies, recreational free-writing being a major one, due to frequently and relentlessly being victimized by anxiety attacks that make my normal levels of everyday anxiousness triple instantaneously. On rare occasions, Ill feel brave enough to fight back these emotions for the things that I enjoy doing, but about 90% percent of time I end up losing. Literally, these are those annoying moments when I have not even one sentence fully completed on my laptop screen, and as always, my conscience comes barging in to throw in its 2 cents. “Are you joking right now? This is a joke, right? Give it up man … you’ll never be a real writer“. This is usually the point
where Netflix suddenly seems way more appealing.
The worst part about this, in my opinion, is that when I have these episodes of anxiousness and depression fueled by anxiety like gasoline fueling an open fire, I have them at the most random and undesirable moments, thus making my sense of panicking even worse. For example, one second ill be in class feeling fine and ready to present my paper,“… you prepared all week for this paper man, no need to worry!” Then, boom! All it takes is for me to proofread my paper one last time, notice something doesn’t seem quite right about the grammar in one sentence and just like that, it’s all downhill from there. Anxiety plays it’s key role by making me believe that I have found another error, then another, and another until I’m forced into believing that the entire paper, all 7 pages, is nonsense speaking gibberish, and then finally depression swings in for the knockout and I’m looking for the nearest exit.
I chose to use a very mild example in order to show how fast and abruptly these unpleasant episodes of depression fueled anxiety can take over. I have been made subject to all forms of verbal abuse, but I was especially abused both emotionally and mentally for years by everyone I know and am currently still dealing with such abuse. There have been unforgettable incidents where my depression is so heavily buried within me that I unknowingly push away everything and anything that designed or willing to help me feel better. Similar incidents where my anxiety reaches a point so high that its feels uncontrollable and unbearable, and thats when I find everything extremely irritating. My solution, which isnt really a solution, is to isolate myself from everything and prefer to be alone until I feel somewhat alleviated.
But the hardest part for me to deal with overall is the fact that I developed these really bad cases of social anxiety and long periods of heavy depression overtime and it was right after coming out of high school and going into college. I was never the type to be socially anxious or nervous around people, let alone believe that I have reasons for depression. In fact, during my high school years I was completely the opposite of what I am now. Thats absolutely the worst part about it for me. The fact that no matter what I seem to do now in order to get rid of these anxiety attacks and depression episodes, I am unable to outgrow these daily nightmares. This made my college experience a hellbent struggle for 2 very long and dreadful years. Pressure quickly mounted on top of my head from strangers faces staring at me from every direction on campus, from assignments we were given that sometimes were really difficult to understand, and especially those nearly impossible deadlines we had to meet in order to recieve a passing grade. Im suprised I didnt have a heart attack.
I relate to everything you have said here. I’ve been there. I haven’t been able to write a thing lately. this was written a while ago. I wish I could just shrug it off. Take something and bam have it be gone in the morning like a headache.
I cant and am afraid now to edit anything I write because of what you said about that paper. If I let myself edit it most times i convince myself that it’s awful. And it destroys the piece. I feel for you and support you as much as possible in the battle we are both going through.
God Bless you.
This is a very interesting and timely article. I didn’t realize that creative writing was so demanding until I joined the Write Practice. I enjoy the variety of articles made available to me and I like the comments/feedback from members of the Community.
However, I have problems trying to complete my stories. I waste a lot of time trying to tie the different parts of the story together
Another issue is that I’m very slow with typing, so it takes me much longer to finish the assignments.
Then when I’m writing I get easily distracted by following the links on whatever materials I’m reading to support my writing.
Thanks for the tips you’ve given me about how to continue even when I don’t feel like doing so.
I’m sure to keep at it. Thanks for your help.
I just took this test like right now and then checked my emails to find this and wow it helped … the test said my anxiety is VERY HIGH but right now im like yeah right..
I’ am frustrated writer and I don’t know where to start. I want to learn more and creative in writing and successful in career writing, I need guidance from authors and I don’t courage to write.
Well the best place to start is the beginning. Where writing began, writing. It sounds simple but honestly if you want to pursue a career as a writer you need to write. Not to bash guidance from other writers, it certainly has it’s place. but if you aren’t writing then it won’t do you any good.
Writing takes a lot of courage, that’s for sure. You’re putting your heart down on the page and letting it go on the world. It hurts when it’s rejected or not as good as you want it to be. But the big difference from aspiring writers to writers is courage. It takes a lot to get through this beginning stage and if you care about it enough to do what scares you then I’d say go for it.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else says about your work. all that matters is that you keep going if this is what you want.
I think this video from Ira Glass will be very beneficial for you. Good luck in all of your writing endeavors!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91FQKciKfHI
It’s helpful thank you so much. I feel depressed and lonely. I want to write about heavy feelings and emotions.
Self-doubt is really God-doubt. Once we know how much God loves us, we can never doubt ourselves – or Him- again.
That is certainly one way to look at it. Thanks for your opinion! I personally think mine goes deeper then that, but i will certainly keep your words in mind!
I stopped writing for a while because I was depressed. I felt a lot worse. I started writing again and I felt better. Writing gave me purpose. I dealt with my feelings better.
I’m so glad to hear that! That’s what writing did for me too. I honestly believed that writing saved my life. Good luck on all of your writing endevors!
Thank you for putting on paper what has been in my mind and heart for such a long time. Glad to know I’m not alone in those feelings. I’m a big Hemmingway fan too.
You are very welcome! Definitely not alone. We can battle this together! Best of luck to you!
I’ve battled depression and anxiety for years and I get so frustrated by how that black hole of despair can stop me being creative in every conceivable way. This article was inspiring though and I take solace from the fact there are others who understand exactly how this feels. Thank you.
You are so welcome Sarah! Good luck in your battles! Keep Writing! We got this!
Thanks Miriam N. I choose to keep writing rather than whining!
Best wishes,
Jola
Er New Phone 😛 I totally meant writing endeavors… *sigh* aw well.
Embrace the pain. We are blessed as writers to have depression. That is why we write with profundity. Ever try writing when you feel giddy with happiness? The last thing I want to do is write. Raise a glass and be grateful for everything, including the thorns: our grace and motivation.
Woo it was an emotional read, As jeff goins says the first rule is to show up.
Only one way works for me is to read a lot and then try to write.
Thanks
Very interesting article. Depression and despondency very often happen with writers. You need to learn how to rule. Read something funny, what kind of articles, like this https://essayvikings.com/blog/want-to-buy-a-research-paper, communicate with friends and not shut yourself up.
I have been writing a memoir of depression and anxiety and getting onto Prozac. I have found so many indigents in my life that I feel have contributed t this feeling.
I also suffer from depression and I’ve created a vlog about my journey. https://youtu.be/WyxYq2U9oMU
I’m at a very, very low point in my life. Right now I’m writing this because I have this thought that just maybe this will help. I hate myself today. I hated myself yesterday. And I’ll hate myself tomorrow. My logic is that if I hate myself, everyone else will hate me too.
It hurts inside. The deep, hard, gut-pulling ach kills me. I hate this. Needless to say, I use “hate” a lot. Everything is a blur. I can’t remember anything anymore. I’ll listen to sad and depressing music all the time. But I’ve always done that so it’s nothing new. It’s the voices that really get to me. They crumple me up and tear me apart. I’m so vulnerable to them. No one else can hear them, so I’m alone. My head’s been so dark lately. I can’t think the slightest of light. It’s hopeless. I’m hopeless.
But I guess that’s okay. I’ll live like this the rest of my life. Living with this hurts like an absolute hell. All you do is stare at blank walls, eat as much or as little as you want, gain or lose the weight, sleep or don’t sleep, and cry. You fall. And some monster has a grasp on your foot so you can’t get back up. That’s alright. The flowers down here are more prettier anyway…
been there! pretty writing. p.s. this is a really good read 🙂 https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-when-you-feel-frustrated-and-hopeless/
Thank you so much! That is really going to help a lot. Thank you for sharing.
You were brave to share how you feel. Don’t give up. Keep writing. Write for yourself. Write to let the hate out and then let it go. Release it like dropping a rock into the water, where it sinks into the ocean never to be seen again. See yourself as unique and special – there never was and never will be another Breana Layne. And know that Jesus doesn’t hate you. He loves you!
Thank you. Really, thank you. I’ve been trying and trying and trying, and it’s slow progress. But it’s better than getting worse or feeling the same as I did. I love to write how I feel. It’s the only way to truly get it out. So thank you. It’s very appreciated.
Thank you for this article. I’ve read others with BS steps like “think positive” and such. But this really told it like it is.
I clinically have both depression and anxiety, which has halted my story writing more than a few times. It’s frustrating, which feels like the worst part. The fact that this wall called mental illness is corralling my imagination. And I end up thinking more about the wall itself, rather than ways to get over it.
But I have to try. Writing is what I want to do in life.
just write on time. thanks for sharing
I identify with all that you have said here. I’ve been there. I haven’t possessed the capacity to compose a thing of late. this was composed a while prior. I wish I could simply disregard it. Similarly http://thedailydrudgereport.com may help.
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