A friend recently told me about jazz. Jazz musicians, he said, spend years learning the rules of music for one reason:
So they know how to break them.
While they play, the goal is to create something like a musical graph with a hundred different random points all over it. But, if the musician is good, you can see a line tracing through the graph that looks something like what we laymen know as music.
You have to know the rules to break them.
You also have to be willing to break the rules.
On Saturdays, we at the Write Practice break the rules.
Don't Write Like a Child
On Monday we talked about how to imitate James Joyce's childlike prose. Joyce is one of the seminal writers of fiction, and we, as aspirants, would do well to learn from him.
However, learning and imitating is for weekdays. Today we're going to do the opposite.
That's right.
We're going to quit writing like a child.
No more enthusiasm.
No more wonder.
No more animals, fairy tales, funny nicknames.
We're going to write like boring, pipe smoking, tweed jacket-wearing, university professors.
How to Write Like a University Professor
You might ask why you'd want to write like a university professor. A valid question, and under normal circumstances, I'd tell you to avoid it. But today is Saturday, so I can't.
You might write like a university professor because you want to sound smart.
Or to make other people sound stupid.
Or maybe because one of your characters actually is a university professor.
But hopefully not because you are a university professor, because that would be embarrassing for me since I just called you boring.
Anyway, here's an example from Matrix Revolutions which had a professor-like character called the Architect:
You have many questions, and although the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also irrelevant.
How do you write like a university prof? The short answer is you write about boring, abstract concepts in really long, complicated sentences while using big, technical words.
Concordantly? I'd love to hear someone use that in real life.
One easy tip is to use big words up front, preferably adverbs: similarly, tangentially, philosophically, platonically, ecclesiastically. Anything ending in ly.
You never knew rule breaking and imitating professors would go hand in hand, did you? Yep, things get crazy here at the Write Practice. Let's get to it.
PRACTICE
Practice writing like a university professor.
Our subject: the nature of dog fur.
Be as abstract, technical, and scholarly as possible. If it helps, think of yourself wearing those strange gowns from the Middle Ages that professors wear during graduation ceremonies.
Write for fifteen minutes, and post it in the comments.
Go!
When I read the title, that’s exactly the line of reasoning that I hoped you’d follow!
It resonates all the way over here in Cambodia.
That’s funny. So glad it worked for you, Seth. Having fun in Cambodia?
When I read the title, that’s exactly the line of reasoning that I hoped you’d follow!
It resonates all the way over here in Cambodia.
That’s funny. So glad it worked for you, Seth. Having fun in Cambodia?
Ha, now I understand why my advisors always complain about my writing not being scholarly enough! 😉 I always try to write in such a way any layperson can understand the concepts behind the technical jargon
Yes. Scholarly = incomprehensible to 99% of humanity.
Ha, now I understand why my advisors always complain about my writing not being scholarly enough! 😉 I always try to write in such a way any layperson can understand the concepts behind the technical jargon
Yes. Scholarly = incomprehensible to 99% of humanity.
looove this site!!..hahah…I realize that by writing something I can barely understand myself via use of humongous words, might make me sound more intelligent by merely SOUNDING as if they are actaully words in the dictionary but are probably not.
looove this site!!..hahah…I realize that by writing something I can barely understand myself via use of humongous words, might make me sound more intelligent by merely SOUNDING as if they are actaully words in the dictionary but are probably not.
Rubbish. You’re talking about academics who can’t write–at least in my field (History). Try reading Tim Tyson’s Blood Done Sign My Name to see how good historians write.
The danger of making absurd generalizations is that sometimes readers don’t see that they are 1) generalizations that are 2) absurd. Apparently, sarcasm is dangerous on the Internet. Thanks for sticking up for the ivory tower though. 🙂
Dog fur – ah, yes, the follicular growth, or pellage, of Canis Lupus Familiaris. The most appropriate term for it would be coat; since the terms “fur” and “hair” tend to be used too casually and interchangeably, it is more appropriate to refer to it as the coat of a dog. Of the many derivations on dog coat that breeds of dog have brought forth, it is perhaps best for laymen to categorise them through their voluminousness, length, colour and texture. One might refer to the coat of the Hairless Xoloitzcuintli and that of the Puli as extreme examples.
Professional dog breeders take into account the genetics which come with the coat of a breed of dog. Currently, there is a significant variety of dog breeds, and their coating specificities, which must be studied. There are eight genes, to the knowledge of modern science, which play a role in determining the coat of a dog, and at least twice as many alleles. These are labeled A, B, D, E, H, K, M, and S. These stand for Agouti, Brown, Dilute, Extension, Harlequin, Dominant Black, Merle, and Spotting. The somewhat flamboyant nature of these names has led to some laymen accusing canine geneticists of purposefully inventing them for the sake of intellectual snobbery and mockery of amateur dog breeders. This in not in concordance with the opinion of the author. There are five other loci which are postulated to influence dog coats, but these will not be discussed in this text.
The dog fur is the out covering of an animal regularly referred to as ‘dog’. It grows on the outer epidermis of the skin much like human beings possess. It covers a varied array of functions; mostly protection from the harmful photorays of the sun, insulation from extreme temperatures like freezing cold during winter or incensing heat as in summer.
Dog fur appears in a variety of pigmentation. Of it’s use it appears to be of pure choice of aesthetic reason. It comes is brown, blue, black or white. Never has been a dye of red hue regularly seen. Dogs have been chosen and bred to reward the intended result.
The texture of dog fur differ from stock to stock. A minute portion is straight, some kink in an assortment of ways, a few have no visible follicles at all. It differs in length as well. Breeds are well known and prize for fur that grows long and a few others are seen as dainty and delightful for possessing fur that belong on an infant’s head.
A dog’s medical condition is reflected in the state of it’s fur. Reflective, and tidy outer covering inspires a great deal of confidence in canine’s health. Patches of balding coverings in parts of it’s anatomy hints at an underlying syndrome.
Hello,
I am a 6th grader named Herbie. I am having trouble writing. Could you give me some tips?
Thanks,
Herbie Jason Love III