Years ago, I found myself chairing the writing contest for my local writers’ organization in conjunction with its annual conference. It was a huge undertaking, but I’d done it before and could do it again.
So I thought.
The first time, it felt exciting to connect directly with authors, literary agents and editors as our judges. I saw firsthand they were regular people doing what they loved with books.
Not only did I secure the judges, but I also sorted and organized the hundreds of entries for the fourteen different categories.
This go-round, the commitment overwhelmed me. At three a.m. one morning while surrounded by piles of paper, I realized—I’d done it again.
Given away my writing time.
Want to Transform Your Writing?
The single most important word ever writer must learn is…
No.
Hadn’t I learned this lesson already? When I first got serious about my novel a few years earlier, I shifted my daily responsibilities, let go of commitments that no longer served me and managed to write 20 hours every week. That was with a husband, a three-year old and a newborn to juggle; not to mention my day job as the executive director of a not-for-profit.
Don’t get me wrong. Volunteering is good. Helping others is wonderful. I believe generosity helps your writing, but I’d chaired the contest for the wrong reasons this go-round.
At first, I did it in appreciation to the organization that helped me kick-start my career. Seeing what not to do made me a better writer: incorrect formatting, poor writing, and rookie mistakes (don’t print your manuscript on pink paper!).
Between that knowledge and my new connections, it’d been a worthy endeavor—even if it did briefly sacrifice my personal writing time.
Then, I let them guilt me into volunteering again. It wasn’t right for me anymore, but rather than have an awkward five minute conversation, I said ‘yes’ to please someone else.
Big mistake.
Why Can’t Writers Say No?
Here are a few reasons why we say yes, when we really want to shout, “No!”
- You want to help.
- You want to be nice. (Or, at least not be rude).
- You want to keep the peace. (Who wants to fight?)
- You don’t want go seem ungrateful.
- You’re afraid you’ll miss certain opportunities or connections.
- You don’t want to burn bridges.
If you identified with any of these, I understand. I’m a recovering people-pleaser and still struggle with it today. Remember, each time you say no to an unwanted request, you say yes to your writing.
How to Say No Without Being a Jerk
Let’s face it. There are only 24 hours in a day. How you spend those hours tells the world how serious you are about your craft.
Here are a few ways I’ve learned to be kind, but clear in declining:
1. “I’ll think about it and let you know, but it may be ‘no’ since I’m really busy these days.”
This is my favorite because it buys me time, as well as plants ‘no’ in their head beforehand.
When you’re ready to respond, do so however you feel most comfortable: face-to-face, via email or text, leave a voicemail with your answer there. I fully admit I’ve called someone’s office phone at 6 a.m. when I knew I wouldn’t have to talk to them.
2. “Thanks, but I have to say no. I have too much going on right now.”
This is a variation of #1, but shorter and more direct.
3. “That sounds great, but…”
This says you think their project has merit, but you still can’t participate (only say positive things if you believe that).
4. “No.”
It was a powerful day for me when I learned that no is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your response.
No in a Nutshell
For some, this may be hard to do at first, but keep at it. Your writing deserves your very best. Remember:
- Each time you say no to an unwanted request, you say yes to your writing.
- It’s better to have an awkward five-minute conversation with someone else, than to be dishonest with yourself.
- You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your response. No means no.
How do you handle saying ‘no’ to others?
PRACTICE
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Marcyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
As soon as I saw that you had penned another guest post, I had to say “NO” to my other commitments and comment first 😉
Oh dear – you always know how I think, feel and act. I am struggling with saying NO – I feel horrible for turning down the opportunity to help others. These are some of the thoughts that buzz through my head:
a. You are frikking ungrateful
b. You aren’t earning right now, and yet have the galls to say NO to someone else
c. Your writing is horrible, and still someone wants your help – so how dare you say NO
d. You are selfish and pathetic
🙁
But I haven’t written for myself in over two months. I miss it, but, again, the following thought flitted through my head: You have no idea what to write about, so at least help others ,doofus
*sigh*
I am glad you help others while also honoring your calling #HUGSSS
Thank youuuuuuuuuuuu
Kitto
Every day, practice the mantra: I am enough. Consider those other mean thoughts to be passing clouds in the beautiful blue sky of your possibilities. 🙂
Good advice for us all, Dawn. Thanks.
Oooh – that’s beautiful! I am going to repeat that mantra every minute now – thanks Dawn!!! #HUGS
My negativity kills my productivity, but I am taking baby steps – thank you so much for your support <3
Kitto
Love this Dawn 🙂 I’ll have to say it more this month since i’m in nano =/ I’ve been really stressed out and probably said the opposite of what you did during these moments. I will try to say this more this month. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Sweet Kitto,
You must learn to say NO, for your sanity’s sake. I read somewhere once that for every FOUR hours you write for someone else (paid or not), you earn ONE hour of your writing, guilt free. Try that and see how it works toward improving your attitude.
#HUGSSSS back atcha, baby.
Thanks for reframing my predicament so beautifully – I will make time for some guilt-free writing #HUGSSSS
Lovee you
Kitto
Kitto – you’ve earned the right for your own guilt-free writing + you need it. Desperately.
Look at it this way. I hear how burned out you are. Your paid writing will improve (and you’ll probably make more money) if you give yourself some writing time for enjoyment. You’ll feel less resentful + more energized toward your work!
My favorite sentence from this post is: “Remember, each time you say no to an unwanted request, you say yes to your writing.” That’s a very nice reframe!
In our culture, we are raised to be very “nice”, and while this is a good thing to make us get along and not tear each other to pieces, it also has its disadvantages. Acting “nice” is soooo deeply engrained in all of us! Try this exercise: Next time you order something and the waiter puts it on your table, say nothing, no “Thank you”! you might be surprised how hard it is to do (bonus points if you are sitting there alone and can’t pretend you are distracted by chatter…).
The most successful businessmen don’t have the slightest problem with saying no, they are hard-asses, and that’s a huge reason why they are successful. For writers though, there is a different problem: While being “hard” in part for negotiations, promotion, scheduling your time, etc… you also need to be very “soft” and open to produce good writing. That’s a contradiction every writer has to learn to live with.
It’s an act of balance between hard and soft I find difficult to do, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Just be aware of this tightrope walk – and after all, it’s wonderful we can express our true self in writing and don’t have to pretend to be all hard shell.
This post is a very good reminder!
Really terrific insights, Alex. THANKS! You’re right — life is definitely a balance, but I’ve just learned I rather have a 5-minute awkward conversation to someone else, than be angry at myself that I didn’t honor my commitment to myself and my writing.
Practice makes progress. I appreciate you stopping by.
Alex, saying “Thank you” to a waiter isn’t gonna steal your writing time, it is simple politeness. Or what is your point here?
Natalia, I didn’t advocate being impolite to waiters. My point was that we can see how deeply engrained politeness is in most of us, if we for once try to do the opposite and not being extra-polite.
Years ago I found that if I post a big “NO” sign near the phone, it’s a reminder that I have given myself permission to use that word. It also is a reminder that I’ve thought it out and agree that it is a correct response. I don’t have to rethink the reasons why while I’m being pressured. No is just fine.
I LOVE this, Sally. Nobody likes to be pressured. I don’t say NO to everything, but I say no to a lot more than I say yes too — I check it against my gutometer. GOOD FOR YOU in honoring yourself!
awesome! It is nice to allow yourself to set boundaries.
You just said the key word, Sandra. This post is all about setting BOUNDARIES — for ourselves and for our writing.
Lovely post! I’m embarrassed to say it, but I am sometimes so good at saying no that I say it when yes might be better, including to myself for my own writing ideas. It’s not negativity, but rather hyper-vigilant boundary setting and insecurity (or fear). As with all things, it’s balance that counts and what I believe is the point of your blog. Get involved, but make sure you have time for personal goals.
Wow, Dawn. Rock on with yourself about saying no so well. The great thing is you can always change your mind if you want (it’s much easier to go back and say yes after you initially said no, than vice versa). Keep up the great work.
I would like to say no to everything. Close the door on everyone and lock myself in my den and never come out. I don’t know if it’d help. But sometimes I do want to. Wish I could. Instead I try to reserve some time everyday. I tell people it is my time. I have done what I was supposed to, and now everyone please excuse me, I am unavailable.
Unfortunately it is not as official as, Oh it’s 2 o clock, good bye everyone. More like, when everything is done I sneak off. If it’s not enough time, then I have not been efficient enough with everything else. If I am at the typing on the keyboard I still have to be ready to stop if something comes up. Something often does. It is the way of most people I think though. Time for working is carved out, and it is not always easy to do. So many people want our time.
Sometimes there is altogether too much stuff that seems to be going on in the world in general too. I often wish that somehow I could just turn it all off. And let the peace soak in. Then slowly meander my way through the hills and valleys of my own mind. Drenching it on the paper next. Like a calligraphy pen drinks up the ink and sops the paper with its ultra dark lines.
I can only make do though. Someday I may make those lines more clear for myself. Everyday that I get to participate in the art that I love I feel blessed. And I can’t imagine not doing it. If I miss a day, I feel at a loss somehow. That the day had gotten squandered.
Hi Sandra — your writing prompt was lovely. It really sounds like you want to write more. Let me ask you — when is your most productive writing time? That’s why I started getting up at 5 am to write from 5 – 7 am everyday — BEFORE all my responsibilities begin.
Five am is crazy early, but 6 am is totally doable. That meant dong my workout time later, which I did NOT like, but my thinking was I CAN exercise with my little kids around, but I CANNOT write with them around.
Regardless for you, CONGRATULATIONS that you are making time to write when you do. Many would envy you. Keep up the great work!
Thanks. I do better then I let on. Most days I meet my quota. But I get frustrated on the days that I don’t. It isn’t always anyone’s fault though. Because it has just been getting harder to write! I am fixing and working on plot holes in my first draft and so I spend a lot more time staring at the keyboard. Where in the beginning I was spending more of my writing time writing at the keyboard. (That makes a bit of difference in that context huh 🙂 ).
I have never written so early in the morning. But I have heard some people say it is an inspiring time. Giving up sleep is very commendable though. I write around the middle of the day and sometimes at the later end of it. I will have to think about that though.
Thanks for taking the time to write me back. 🙂
I have yet to learn to say no to my family members.
I also struggle saying NO to my family most because I love them most, and want to please them most. For me, it took time, patience and practice. It’s all a matter of balance — something I learn over and over again.
I am in sales, and “no” is almost like a swear word. Thank you for your post, Marcy. I would also like to share a link on The Power of No. http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2013/09/how-the-power-of-no-saved-my-life/
Ha, KahSoon.You made me laugh. I was in fundraising years ago, so I know how no can be the devil, but we must reframe our thinking for ourselves. NO to someone’s else request (when we don’t want it anyway) is a YES to or writing. Good luck to you.
Great advice! I learned the hard way that time and energy are the only resources we have that can’t be replaced. Thanks / Richard L Allen
Hello, Richard – I think most all of us learn how to say no the hard way — through the school of hard knocks. However, as you so aptly put it, our time and energy are finite resources. We must be good stewards and do all we can to conserved them.
No to the offer to get an ebook of 14 prompts.
I connected with your phrase a “recovering people-pleaser”. Women are particularly prone to wanting to please everyone I’ve found and I’m no exception.
A couple of years ago a friend of mine gave me a gift. She said it was perfect and just had to buy it for me. I opened the tiny box and inside on a plush bed of satin was a tiny glass pig. The pig itself was clear glass but attached to it’s back were bright pink wings. A small printed explanation was with it in the box and it said, ” next time someone asks you to do something you know you cannot manage but you feel the urge to say yes anyway, take out the pig and say “when pigs fly”.
That story is FABULOUS, Ann. I will remember when pigs fly next time I’m asked to do something I don’t want. Thanks for making me smile.
I’m glad you liked it… With the subject matter of the blog I just had to share
Hey Marcy 🙂 nice to see you post something again.
There are, it would seem, many things going on right now that I’ve had to say no to. No watching the TV, no playing that video game, No to hanging with my friends. Nanowrimo has taken a lot of time but I know that it will be worth it. No is the word I’ve used a lot this month and It will be used more.
Thanks for this post Marcy 🙂 Happy Writing!
(totally would have posted a comment earlier but I’ve also said no to answering blog post this month *sighs* some of which I’ve really wanted to do the practice on but hey nano comes first this month.)
Great to see you, too, Miriam. Congrats on doing NaNoWriMo + for saying no so much this month. Both will benefit your writing!
Miriam, I’m with you. They person I need most to say “No” to is myself. I had invited my brother-in-law & father-in-law for brunch yesterday which was fine. It took about half an hour. No biggie. But then I found out they were staying here the rest of the day until we left for my hubby’s gig. Once I realized that, I spent hours cooking a nice dinner. My hubby would have gladly taken them out or gotten take-out. I took this on totally myself.
I also need to say no to TV, to the internet (my excuse for these site is I learn and I share the articles). But the biggest “No” I need to learn is to stop reading, posting and commenting on all these political articles. I have been called names, been misunderstood and worst of all, ignored by those who disagree. So why do I bother? I wish I knew. Maybe that knowledge would help me to STOP bothering with these people. 😉 <3
You sound very passionate about all that you do: your family, your politics, etc. Rather than beat yourself up (you can’t undo your time with bro/father in-laws, all that time you spent on political debates. Just try to learn from it and do differently next time.
As far as the internet, TV, blog posts — I try to use them as rewards. Do my writing FIRST, then I let myself enjoy those later, guilt free.
Change takes time. Think small steps.
Thanks for commenting Sherpeace 🙂 I’ve gotta go back to my cave of writing so I’ll wish you well. 🙂
A no is so empowering – I’ll need to practice!
We all need to practice our NO’s, Thomas. It’s why I thought this post would be compelling.