Photo by Matthias Rhomberg
These five elements are the building blocks of story, and they are:
1. Action. What are your characters doing?
2. Dialogue. What are they saying?
3. Description. What are they seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, and smelling?
4. Inner Monologue. What are they thinking?
5. Exposition / Narrative. What other information does the narrator (IE you) want us to know?
I've added emotion in the past, but that can be lumped into inner monologue. Other people add summary, but that can be part of exposition.
Every writer focuses on some of these elements more than others. Hemingway and Cormac McCarthy are heavy on the action, dialogue, and description side. They give almost no inner monologue. Other writers like Dickens and George Elliott use more narrative and inner monologue.
Let's look at some examples:
1. Action
Tommy drove to the park. He walked on the grass barefoot and looked up when he passed under the oak trees. After walking for a little while, he sat against one of the oaks, closed his eyes and fell asleep.
Notice all the action verbs: drove, walked, passed, walking, sat, closed, fell.
2. Dialogue
He dreamt of his last conversation with Suzy.
“I'll never leave you,” he said.
“You don't have to. I'll be gone in the morning.”
“I'll follow you.”
“You can. I'll just leave again, though.”
“I'll follow forever if I have to.”
“If you want to torture yourself, be my guest.”
In dialogue, make sure you only use the verb said (as in he said / she said). It can be tempting to mix it up with verbs like exclaimed, shouted, whispered, added, countered, and so on. However, readers tend to ignore speaker tags, and varying them is distracting and doesn't add to the dialogue.
3. Description
Tommy woke to feel of a warm breeze on his cheeks and bare arms. The oak leaves struck into each other in the wind and sounded like an audience of elves applauding. He smelled the grass and the breeze tasted of lemon and iron.
Description is a great way to pace your story. If you pepper your story with description, you won't have to worry too much about your story moving too quickly for the reader. Don't use too much at one time though or your reader will get bored.
4. Inner Monologue
He thought of her and wondered where she was. He wondered if she was in trouble or with another man. He should follow her. He would get up in just a second. He just needed to sit there for a second more and breathe in the breeze and taste the air. Then he would go.
Inner monologue is the thing that sets apart writing from most other art forms. In film or theater, the audience rarely has access to the minds of the characters. Maybe that's why the “reality television” style has become so popular on shows like The Office and Modern Family.
However, if you overuse inner monologue your story will sound like a diary. It's also easy to lose the plot of the story if you use too much, and it can become too much telling and not enough showing.
5. Exposition / Narrative
But he didn't go, and Tommy never saw Suzy again, though he thought of her often and with regret. He stayed in Texas and fell in love with other women, none of which he married or even talked to much. He lived alone and died in the house they both lived in all those years ago.
Exposition is when the narrator takes over the story, often through some kind of summary or information dumping. It's like a voice over in a movie.
Exposition is necessary to tell almost all stories. However, it's an example of telling, and you want to show as much as possible. Use it sparingly.
Which storytelling element do you like using the most?
PRACTICE
Write a story about Tommy using all the elements above. After each sentence, write the storytelling element you used.
Write for fifteen minutes. When you're finished, post your practice in the comments section.
And if you post, please comment on a few other pieces to let the writer know how they did.
I think I have seen this somewhere (possibly here) before, but it’s fun seeing this again, even in another forum. Something about seeing a neat categorization of story elements.
Hi CZ. Yes, I’ve posted about these elements before. I felt it would be good to rehash them in a more complete way though. Glad you liked it 🙂
A lot of people say I’m best at dialogue, but I really love finding great verbs for action bits. I’m not very good at the latter, but it feels wonderful when I pull it off.
What about you, Joe? What storytelling element do you like most?
Dialogue is my favorite too.
Hey Bronson. I hear you. Good dialogue is awesome. Have you ever thought about writing plays?
I like action and description the best.
This is helpful, Joe. Thanks
Very helpful. I need to focus more on Action and Description. Dialogue and Inner monologue seem to come easy, and even when I’m trying to limit them (telling) and describe more (showing), it seems they are in abundance.
Some people can pull off a sort of Inner monologue action / description thing. The whole idea behind stream of consciousness is a filtering of all them through inner monologue. You might experiment with that.
Yeah! I often tend to gravitate toward stream-of-consciousness.
All right, here goes.
The musty, earthy scent of the pond filled his nostrils as he breathed in the early morning air. (description) The gurgling of a fish breaking the surface of the water, the buzzing of flies, gnats, and mosquitoes forging a quiet din that was, to Tommy, the unique cacophony of home.(description) He raised the lid on a single eye, peering out to see the morning, his first peek of the day to come. (action) The light filtering in overloaded his eyes, used to the dark after so many hours of still, sleeping reflection. (action) The lid snapped shut again. (action) Perhaps I should sleep for just a little while longer. (inner monologue) It was foolish, he knew. The kingfisher would be through soon, and he had to move to more protected waters. (description) His stomach rumbled. (action) “Soon,” he muttered to it, patting it gingerly with a green three fingered hand. (dialogue)
“What’s soon?” another voice piped up. (dialogue) It was no one he had ever heard before. (action)
“Who’s there? Who is talking to me?”(dialogue)
“It’s me. Just call me Pablo.”(dialogue)
“Pablo? That’s a funny name. I’m Tommy.”(dialogue) He opened both of his eyes and looked around. (action) “Where are you, Pablo? I can’t see you.”(dialogue)
“Oh, I’m very near. Don’t worry about seeing me – I’m very small. It’s nice to meet you, Tommy. What are you going to do, today?”(dialogue)
“Today? Well, first I have to get over to that tree over there – I want to be out of the way when the King comes.”(dialogue)
“Who’s the king?”(dialogue)
“He’s a giant bird that comes down here everyday and lances my friends and neighbors.”(dialogue)
“Seems kind of rude. Does he ever talk to anyone or apologize?” (dialogue)
“Why would he? Bird’s gotta eat. Frog’s gotta be sneaky, or frog’s bird food. Circle of life and all that.”(dialogue)
Pablo said nothing. (action) Seemed like a short and brutal existence, ended by something bigger and hungrier than you was the way of life. (inner monologue) He accepted it; it was the way it had always been, but he didn’t like it. He wanted to live, and to die an old gnat, watching his great great grandgnats flitting around. (inner monologue, action)
This is a good scene. I can see how the pieces all fit. I like your idea of the frog and the gnat talking.
Well done, Hal. Good scene and good labels. I like how you define the last bit as inner monologue / action, and I think you’re right. I only caught one label I disagree with:
It was no one he had ever heard before. (action)
To me that’s either narrative / exposition or inner monologue. It’s hard to say. I don’t think it’s action though. Does that make sense?
Besides that, excellent job!
Totally makes sense. I was trying to adhere to the instructions and label every sentence. Action was absolutely not the right choice (and there was no exposition option 🙂 Thanks for the feedback.
Hah I guess exposition was there. How did I miss that? Well, c’est la vie.
🙂
No problem. I hope the exercise helped.
Very original twist on a story about Tommy! I like “forging a quiet din”, great turn of phrase. The story keeps the reader’s interest because you don’t really find out who the players are till the end!
Great way of describing the setting of the story. Nice writing. 🙂
Loved it!!! Especially the description of the first paragraph!
I really felt I was there!
Hi Joe,
Thank you for this useful and insightful post. I am only new
to the blogosphere but found your blog very useful. ‘Wrestling’ with the craft
of short story writing has always been challenging for me. Reading this post
made me analyse some of those I published on my blog and I can see how some of
them suffer from too much description, exposition, and/or narrative. For the exercise
you suggested, I have used the last one I published that is somewhat different
to those I wrote earlier. I wanted to see how does it ‘fit’. I hope that will
be OK with you. Any suggestion you or others may have will be most welcome.
Thank you.
So here it goes:
Action: ‘When bus arrived this morning, I heard my
name called. That startled me. Young woman was smiling at me between the raw of
bus chairs. I recognized her face. We attended some classes at University
together. I smiled at her and she moved few steps to sit beside me.’
Dialogue: “Oh
really? You mean like court reports?”
“No, not really.”
“So what do you write then?”
“I write stories, and poetry and posts for my
blog.”
“Oh, I see you mean you are writing for a
publisher?”
“No, I have not published anything yet.”
Description: ‘Every
morning I wait for a sleepy yellow bus to turn up at the end of my street. My wind
swept street, rain washed street, bathed in golden sun street. The small group
of usual suburban commuters lingers around. Tired office workers, woman with
large hips and thick pink lipstick, students hunched over their readings, with
fingers busy over small keyboards on even smaller gadgets.’
Inner Monologue: ‘I
could not recall her name, but sound of her voice evoked images of her in that
class; always punctual, focused, eager, assignments completed before their
deadlines. Well pitched presentations. Great networking skills. Brisk movements
and sharp eloquence.’
Exposition/Narrative: ‘It
was at that moment I noticed her well cut business suit, soft leather briefcase and gold
rimmed glasses. From the corner of my eye I caught the glimpse of rain starting
outside and a small boy running across the road holding his mother’s hand
tightly in his.’
Do you mean for this to be a story or just elements of one? Did you organize it using Joe’s order? I could see a story here but organized in this order: Description, Action, Inner Monologue, Exposition/Narrative, Dialogue. With a bit more editing you could have a nice tight short story. The dialogue suggests the story could take another turn, and may give you the opportunity to try the 5 elements again. Good luck with your writing.
Hi Wanda,
Thank you for your input. These were the elements of the
shorty story I published on my blog.
Regards,
Daniela
I like it Daniela. I actually really enjoyed the inner monologue section. I might make some corrections on your tags, though.
The exposition/narrative section is closer to action and description. And there are some exposition and inner monologue elements in your action section:
‘When bus arrived this morning, I heard myname called (action). That startled me (inner monologue). Young woman was smiling at me between the raw of bus chairs (action but it’s tinged with description of what your character is seeing). I recognized her face. We attended some classes at Universitytogether (exposition—this is classic backstory). I smiled at her and she moved few steps to sit beside me (action).
I know that’s kind of complicated. I think you did well though 🙂
Hi Joe,
Thank you very much for your time and help. I am really glad
you like it. I published this short little piece on my blog recently and just
wanted to use some elements to see how it will look like. I appreciate your
help and really like your site. As I am writing in my second language, I can
always do with help.
Kind Regards,
Daniela
1.
Tommy picked up her pace as she ran alongside the slow-moving train. Harriet reached out to catch hold of Tommy’s extended hands. As she was lifted into the car.
As she caught her breath, she looked around at the new faces.
2.
“Hi, I’m Tommy,” she said. “Tommy Kilgoode.”
“The preacher’s daughter?” Said a scruffy man.
“Yeah,” Harriet said, “Old man Kilgoode.”
“Thought you was supposed to marry that Jedediah Weaver.”
Tommy blushed, “Not me. I’ll never be stuck with him.”
3.
The air in the car seemed to grow tight as everyone stared blankly at Tommy. She breathed in the dank smell of wet hay and leaves. The car’s monotonous rattling seemed to tell her, “Go back, Go back, Go back.”
4.
She thought of Mamma standing on the front porch ringing the dinner bell, Daddy pulling up in his wagon with the eldest boys in the back. Jedediah Weaver would be over today too. She sighed and folded her arms across her chest. He would probably be the first to notice her absence. Glad of the dark, she let the tears slip down her dirty cheeks.
5.
Tommy could have turned back when the train reached the end of town, but she didn’t. The hurt was too deep, and her dreams too big for her to go home then. But after a few years out in the big world, her heart yearned for home and she returned to marry simple Jedediah Weaver. Good thing, too, for soon after their marriage, he struck it rich in deep, greasy black gold.
I like how you broke the five elements up into their own section for the practice. Now, try intermingling them.
Katie
Thanks. This was hard, as I often focus on dialogue and description. I’m working on creating a combination.
This was very evocative and engrossing, Mollie! Really enjoyed it! The only thing was that it felt like a massive jump after ‘her dreams too big for her to go home then’ to her changing her mind – that felt like it came very much out the blue, and didn’t fit with the rest. But I did love the ‘deep, greasy black gold’!!
Thank you, zo-zo. Honestly, I didn’t like the abrupt ending either. I was trying to do exposition instead of narrative. However, I felt like Tommy would have come back home and deserved wealthy liberation from her humble home. I just didn’t write it like I should have.
A surprise ending. Yay!!! You’ve got some nice turns of phrase Mollie which felt fresh
Thank you. I feel the ending was surprise, but too abrupt as zo-zo mentioned. Thank you, I try to keep it fresh and not to let grammar bog me down.
Tommy threw his mortarboard hat in the air with all the others and they set up a wild series of overlapping whoops that made the old gym ring. [description] It was over, his school career — unless he went to college. [inner dialogue] What was he going to do? [inner dialogue]
He shoved such thoughts away and found Larry in the crowd and then Ricky immediately joined them; they made for the exit together, the old gang, or at least the nucleus of it. [description] “Remember the keg party, it’s at Tricia’s, her folks are cool with it,” Larry instructed. [dialogue] “Yeah, I’ll be there as soon as I get off.” [dialogue] Ricky’s eyes flared. [description] “You mean yer old man’s makin’ you work TONIGHT?” [dialogue] Tommy shot Ricky a side-long look; the question didn’t deserve an answer. [description] They all knew what a hard-nose Tommy’s dad was. [description] “I’ll see you guys then.” [dialogue]
Tommy walked out to the last row of the parking lot where he always parked his car, the pride of his life, a 1958 Chevy Impala, the first year for Impalas, with the big-block 348, three-dueces Power Pak and a Hearst shifter. [description]He’d painted it bright canary yellow and installed black rolled-and-pleated upolstery inside. [description] As he climbed behind the huge old steering wheel, something felt different but he couldn’t name what it was. [description]
He pulled up in front of the machine shop ten minutes early. [description] Sonny was sitting on the front-end loader in the front yard, smoking and waiting till the last possible moment to clock in. [description] He grinned at Tommy. [description] “Get all gradjimitated?” [dialogue]
“Yep.” [dialogue]
“Get drunk yet?” [dialogue]
That comes later.” [dialogue] They grinned at each other and walked in to the time-clock. [description]
I may go to college, he mused. [inner dialogue] Maybe the band will hit big and I can leave all this behind. [inner dialogue] But I’ll always have a job here. [inner dialogue]
I like your story John. I did notice you only labeled three of the five elements. Do you have something against the labels for action and exposition? I definitely think some of your “descriptions” are really action.
Katie
Katie, you know what I did? In getting involved with writing the story, I completely forgot about two of the elements, Exposition/Narative and Action! I realize now that some of my sentences would more appropriately fit in one of these two neglected categories. Thank you for the good feedback!
And I got so into reading it that I didn’t notice. It’s funny how it’s so easy to get carried away but I like to get carried away while I read or write. That was good thanks.
I like the emotion involved in the story. The feeling of transitioning from one phase of your life to the next.
Not sure I got all of those – great to practice though – Thanks!
Tommy pushed Alf and laughed. (action)
“What are you think your doing?” Alf grabbed his head in a head lock,
Tommy dug a finger into Alf’s ribs as he wriggled out of the hold and and began
to sprint down the road.
“Oww – I’ll get you” (dialogue)
Tommy slid around the corner whooping as he
went and careened into old Mrs Potter. (action)
“Sorry, sorry Mrs P.” he said and picked up
her basket and parcels.
Alf slid around the corner and his face
dropped as he saw the old woman.
She stared at the two boys hard, her face
creased into a frown. (description)
“What are you doing? Can’t a body even walk
on the street without a gaggle of undisciplined louts, yes louts, knocking a
poor old lady off her feet.” (dialogue)
I didn’t knock…. Tommy caught her eye and
hung his head. She was tiny Mrs Potter but she was fierce. (description)
“Sorry Mrs Potter” he said
“Sorry” said Alf. He hung his head
“Why are you here? Why aren’t over there
with the boys?” she said.
“We are not old enough Mrs Potter. You
gotta be 18 to enlist.” said Tommy. (dialogue)
“So you’ll be going soon then?” She said
and glared at the boys as she continued up the street.
“Yeah, we’ll be going soon.” said Alf.
They continued down the road slower now.
“Have you heard from Jim?” Tommy asked
Alf nodded “He wrote to our mum and said he
was going to France.”
Larry is still in Eygpt – he’s been pretty
sick.
“I have only got 6 weeks till my birthday.”
Said Alf
“I’ve already talked to the recruiting
officer. Dad’s going to sign the form”. Said Tommy. (dialogue)
“So you’ll be able to go soon? My mother is
never going to sign that form, never!”
“Next week.” Tommy said “I go to camp, next week”. His
friend stared at him and then put out his hand and said “Good job Tommy.” The
pair shook hands solemnly. (action)
Tommy stared at the blue sky and the
familiar houses of this street where he had lived all his life, with his
brothers, and his friends. Would he see it again he wondered he felt excited
and fearful in equal parts whatever happened nothing was ever going to be quite
the same again. (inner monologue)
From the playfulness of the boys at the start of your story, I thought they were much younger than weeks away from being able to enlist. And Tommy’s thoughts about his life on the block, and how it will change once he enlists and goes away is very poignant. I was going to recommend to somehow let the reader know sooner that the boys were older, but after reading it a second time I’m not so sure. The innocence that the playfulness evokes is a nice contrast to the impending seriousness of enlisting and going to war.
Interesting moment in time. I agree with Wanda that the playfulness of the boys is anachronistic with their ages.
I also wonder about how sincere an apology from the two boys would be. They’re 18 year old boys – men, really – that are full of testosterone and themselves. They’re all amped up about going to war, to fight, and maybe to die for their country.
They should be out chasing skirts or telling their sweethearts they’ll love them forever and be back before they know it, or something.
I think that if you make the reason they’re chasing each other more ‘age appropriate’, while keeping it playful, will have the same effect when the shoe drops and the reader discovers that the easy and playful life of these boys is in front of the backdrop of a war torn country.
Could be an interesting story, for sure.
Thank you both so much for the feedback – really helpful!
I think you’re missing exposition, Juliana. That’s the hardest for me too.
Katie
Oh yes! I know! I felt unable to wrap it up without being totally cliched!
I hear you. I hate endings that summarize the story with a cute bit of exposition. Instead, I sometimes like to point forward in time, to summarize the future. That way you get some sense of finality but there’s so much left to ponder at the same time.
Tommy shifted uncomfortably in
his seat. Beside him, the lady with the blond hair and badly applied make-up
kept on taking photographs of the church’s interiors. (Narrative)
“Move a bit to the side young
man, I’ll just take a picture of that nice window where Jesus is dying on the
cross,” she said as she pointed the huge camera at Tommy. (Dialogue)
Tommy moved until his butt was
only half-seated. In front of him, he watched the groom laughing with the best
man. Tommy watched the groom in his splendid tux and enviable joy. Tommy
imagined himself wearing the tux and the one with the great smile on his face.
Tommy imagined himself— (Action)
“There she is!”
Tommy woke up from his daydreaming,
as the chatter grew louder. Everyone inside the church was staring at the
entrance. Tommy twisted his body and watched as the bride started walking down
the aisle, her father guiding her along—the father, the man who denied Tommy to
be with his daughter. Tommy watched as she drew closer to his row. Behind the
veil, he saw that she was beautiful. She had always been beautiful. Tommy felt
a pang of pain in his chest. (Action and Narrative?)
Tommy remembered.
“He asked me to marry him,” she
started to say as they were seated inside the coffee shop.
Tommy clearly remembered the day
when she broke the news to him. She didn’t have a smile on her face that day.
“You answered yes,” Tommy said,
not as a question.
“Please come Tom,” she said to
him.
Tommy’s eyes were on the diamond
ring on her finger.
“Come to the wedding, promise me,”
she continued.
Tommy gave a nod of his head, his
eyes moving to his heart-shaped face and deep, brown eyes. She smiled, followed
by a “Thank you.”
Before they parted ways, she told
him one last thing. “Tom, promise me you’ll stop the wedding. Be there. Be
there and stop me from being married.”
“I will,” Tom answered. (Dialogue with Narrative)
Tommy remembered how much he hurt
inside that day inside the coffee shop, but the pain wasn’t as great as the one
he felt as he was seated inside the church. The bride and the groom were now
standing before the priest. Everyone inside the church was silent. Tommy
quietly stood up as the rings were being placed in each other’s fingers. Tommy
walked towards the church entrance as the “I do’s” were being said. Tommy didn’t
look back as the bride and the groom shared their first kiss together. (Action)
I liked the layers of conflict. Looks like you can keep this story going.
Thanks Wanda! Glad you liked it 🙂
To me, no layers no point in reading
Nice little vignette. Might make a reasonable short story, leaving the reader to ponder lots of little questions. Why did she say yes in the first place? Why didn’t he stop the wedding like he promised? Does he normally not fulfill his promises, or was this one somehow special? Was he really in love with her if he let something like her father’s disapproval get in the way of marrying her? Is his motivation to hurt her? Why doesn’t she seem to be waiting for him to stop the wedding, but rather goes through the motions of something she doesn’t want to do? etc.
Lots of real meaty questions that are really good, in my opinion, to leave open ended.
Yeah. If given more time, some of the questions will get answered, but overall I would still leave it open-ended.
Beautiful writing…
Thanks zo 🙂
That was great JB especially the ending. It really makes you think about how hard it must be for anyone to stop a wedding, especially under those circumstances. It carried me along so that I didn’t particularly notice which part was which kind of writing.
I’m glad you were able to immerse yourself into my story. Thank you very much Marianne. 🙂
JB, that was so touching. I laughed at the ‘half-seated butt’ 🙂
Thanks Yvette 🙂
This is SUCH GREAT ADVICE!!! I have never heard this before, but it makes perfect sense, and give me a better understanding of writing. I think often my writing is unbalanced – in these prompts I am usually dialogue heavy, but in my other writing I sometimes use too much description. I never usually use inner monologue because I thought it was the ultimate in ‘telling’ – so you’re saying there is a place for it other than teen fiction?
Tommy threw off his costume and started
running. The old ladies next to him shrieked and a little girl
started crying. Her cries were nearly as loud as his mother.
(action)
‘Tommy Rufus Turner come back here
right now,’ she followed him in her starched yellow dress flapping.
(dialogue)
But if Tommy heard his mother, which
was doubtful considering his obsession with the blue shiny water
before him, he did not take any notice. (narrative) He was thinking
about how the water would feel on his skin as he splashed in it, he
was thinking how smart he was that he wriggled out of his mother’s
arms, he was thinking that he was the boss at this very moment, and
there was nobody around to stop him. (inner monologue)
The surface of the water was ablaze
with the sun, rippled and swaying from the kicks of the other
children in the pool. The pool smelt like chlorine and sunscreen,
like every other day after glorious day of summer. Tommy had fallen
hopelessly in love. (descriptive)
The public pool was a fancy affair, and
Tommy’s mother had dressed up just for the occasion, as well as her
darling only child. They were matching – how sweet, she thought,
how just darling – her yellow sundress and him in his yellow ducky
bathing suit. She had spent twenty minutes slicking his hair back,
trying to comb that one strand that never lay flat. She won the
battle this time. (narrative)
Naked Tommy Turner ran over towels and
sodas and hats, diving straight for the water. Splash. And right
after him flew in Caroline Turner, saving her four year old from his
blue obsession. (action)
Hey Zo,
Yep, inner monologue definitely has it’s place, especially when it’s used as well as you used it in this practice. I loved that. I’ve made the case against inner monologue here on the blog because I think it’s very easy to overuse it, but used well it can add an emotional depth like no other element.
Nice practice!
Thanks Joe! NOW that makes sense!! A little goes a long way, hey…
You made me laugh! That is such a rare and special gift.
Thanks for your comment, Juliana! I can write quite intense pieces, so this comment literally made my day!!
That is hilarious Zo Zo. I love the last paragraph. It moves so fast just like the action suggests. That was great.
Thanks, Marianne!! Always appreciate your feedback.
The description was exquiste zo-zo
Thanks Yvette!! I’d have to agree with you about your post to Joe – it is hands down my favourite part of writing…
Tommy
Tommy walked down the street. He stopped outside his favorite store. He listened to the loud beat of the djem drum. It was a beautiful sound to Tommy, but not to his parents. He would often daydream of owing one of his own someday.
Mrs. Turner saw Tommy and she came out to tàlk to him.
“Hi, Tommy. How are you doing today”
“I am doing great! I just had to stop and hear my favorite music.”
how much money do you have saved up so far?”
“Only about $25.00.”
”Well that’s a start.”
Tommy said goodbye to Mrs. Turner and headed for home.
The point of being on time is to get a good seat was what Tommy was thinking while he waited for his wife Sue. She’s always late and then complains because she can’t see, he thought. (Interior monologue).
Finally he heard the door to the bedroom open then slam shut and he heard her hopping across the upstairs hall, probably trying to get her shoes buckled as she hopped. (Action)
“I know, I know, we’re going to be late,” she said as she came down the stairs shoving things into the evening bag that went with her black Versace gown. (Dialogue and action).
“Yes well, you like to get a good seat,” he said. “And there were no reservations for this concert.” (Dialogue)
On the way to the convention center, they got caught in traffic. The car in front of them contained one of those groups of children who look out of the back window and wave. One tall girl was blowing huge bubbles with pink gum, and the a boy was putting straws up his nose. (Description).
It seemed like they were behind that car and those children forever. Time crept as it does when one is late and then held up by traffic. The event was a charity concert with the proceeds going to help poor children. (Exposition). Tommy wondered if the children he would be helping put straws up their noses (Interior monologue).
I like the tone of irony, expecially at the end when he wonders about the children he’ll be helping. The low-level frustration throughout is funny too.
Thanks John.
Ha ha Marianne, the end made me smile. You have a deft touch as always….
Thanks Yvette Carol.
I can completely relate to this. It just sucks when, you’re already running late, then BAM! you get stuck in traffic.
love your practice Marianne! 🙂
I hear you. Then stupid people say “you should leave ahead of time”. I hate that.
By saying so little you’ve revealed a lot of Tommy, and the relationship he has with his wife. And then you add some humour in the mix too – lovely balance of emotions in here… And yes, I LOVED the descriptions of the kids too!!!
Thanks Zo-zo. I can see my nephew with straws sticking out of his nose (he was being a walrus) right now.
Hey Joe, thanks for the list of 5, I took a copy of it. As soon as I read it I knew I was guilty of the last on the list; exposition. OMG. I’ve had to go back to editing book one in my trilogy since doing that online writing course I told you about a couple of months ago. Amazing how one course can move you so far forward. Now, in editing it once again, I am agog on a day-to-day basis how heavily I have leaned towards exposition!! It’s like maybe I have read a few too many myths & legends….So currently I’m trying to delete great swathes of it and insert more of numbers 1-4 🙂
Hey Yvette,
That sucks! The worst part of learning is when you realize how much you didn’t know before. Good luck with the editing. It has to be done, but it’s certainly not easy.
Proud of you.
Tom liked the way she smelled. It
wasn’t exactly how Susan smelled but it reminded him of the cotton
candy she insisted on buying everytime they went to a baseball game,
too sweet and too sticky.(inner monologue)
“Make sure you look out for cotton
candy, remember pink’s my favorite.”
He would always roll his eyes and send
her into a fit of defensive giggles.
“What? It’s soooo good and you know I
have a major sweet tooth.”
His eyes would then grow big as he
tilted his head and a slight frown touched the corners of his mouth,
teasing her attempt to rationalize cotton candy.
“I only get it one special occasions.
Oh! Look that guy has some!” (dialogue)
He never had to say much around Susan.
She knew every line etched across his face, every misplaced hair,
every scar, and every mole and she was responsive to even the
slightest change or muscle twitch. She knew his face and could tell
what he was thinking. (inner monologue/descriptive)
Tonight, the girl’s smell reminded him
of Susan and she was just as responsive as Susan, but not to his
face. He couldn’t even remember if she looked him in the eyes once
this evening. No, this girl was responsive to his body. (inner monologue)
She had short inky black hair swept
across her face, covering one of her equally dark eyes. Her neck was
elegant, sloping from her chin and dipping to graze the tops of her
collarbone. (descriptive)
I think that’s what first attracted him
to her. Tom thought a woman’s collarbones were so sexy. They somehow
balanced the body and made the frame seem so fragile. He approached
her because of her collarbones and her smell reminded him of Susan. (narrative)
Her collarbones spread to her rounded
shoulders and her small rounded breasts, her nipples were pink. He
reached up to rub his thumb against it.(descriptive/action)
She slapped his hand away playfully. (action)
“Tom! I am trying to get some work
done!”
He smiled returning his thumb gently on
her nipple and lightly stroking it up and down. She raised her
eyebrows and squirmed away.
“It’s distracting…and ticklish.”
When she said ‘ticklish’ she crinkled
her nose and smiled slyly.(action/dialogue)
Tom reached for her nipple once more
but this time she let him caress her. She pushed her work aside, sunk
into the soft threadbare sheets as she laid her head against the
pillow and closed her eyes. (description)
She looked straight into his eyes.(action)
“No touching.” (dialogue)
She was slender and below her chest was
a rainstorm of stars tattooed across her stomach to the middle of her
thigh. (descriptive) He hadn’t noticed them before but now he raised his fingertips
to her ribcage and began to trace the trail of falling stars. (action)
She brushed his fingers away. (action)
“No touching.” (dialogue)
He sunk into the sticky plastic couch
and felt her long wispy legs squeeze him as she moved back and forth
in his lap. (action) She pressed her body closer to his. Her sweet smell
filled his nostrils, crushing his lungs, and consuming his body and
mind. He closed his eyes and tangled his fingers in her hair as he
brought her closer.
She wasn’t Susan, her smell just
reminded him of her. (action/descriptive/monologue)
Tom didn’t go home after being kicked
out of the club. (narrative) That girl wasn’t Susan but maybe he could still find
her. He walked for a few blocks until entering a door glowing under a
bright pink neon sign. Inside, the place smelled sweet. (descriptive/inner monologue)
This is my first post, I might have taken a little more than 15 minutes. I really appreciate any feedback.
Tommy removed a few bills from his wallet. Folded them. Set them
on the table. If there were any surer way to summon Eve, he didn’t know it.
She wasn’t long in coming.
“You rang?”
“I did.”
“You paying?”
“Always.”
“So give me the game plan.”
“There’s a man at Lakefront Towers. Apartment 1302. I need
you to pay him a visit.”
“High-rise living. What’s he got on you?”
“This one isn’t for me.”
“That girl you’ve been playing house with? Celine?”
“Hah. You keeping tabs on me, Eve? No. Not her either.”
“I’ve kept tabs on bigger losers.”
“I can pretend to be hurt, but you’re not gonna buy it. Just ask me what the job is.”
“What’s the job, Tommy?”
“The usual.”
“You want it … neat? Messy?”
“Like you ever keep it neat.”
“Like you ever want it neat.”
“Mmm. That’s why I hire you, baby.”
Tommy watched Eve pick up the bills, her hand catching the notes between two slender fingers. Her nails were polished bright enough to piss off the sun.
He hadn’t paid enough for a class-A hit, but Eve’s crew was known for working quickly. At this point, that mattered a hell of a lot more than an Oxi-clean crime scene.
Tommy thought about the hours of darkness still lying ahead. All the calls he’d have to make before morning. …The chewing-out he’d have to endure from Celine. If it didn’t amount to something this time, he didn’t know if he’d be up for another go-around.
Tommy picked up his cigarette and let the ennui of the diner sink into his bones.
Maybe it wasn’t so good to be home after all.
Fantastic work! Could follow which element you used easily. I like how you used them sequentially and still wrote a scene that’s gripping and flows naturally. I think your dialogue is the strongest. It both conveys the characters’ relationships and moves the plot forward.
Tommy lay flat on his mattress, arms and legs sprawled. He stared up at the ceiling, shading his eyes from the sunlight streaming through his window. He rolled to the side, made a move to get up, then slumped back into bed.
“Sir? Are you awake?” His helper had come into the room.
“I’m alright…”
“I just wondered if you knew what time it was.”
“Two twenty-three pm?”
“Just checking if you knew.”
His helper left the door open when she exited. He could see the clean white floors outside his bedroom, smell the bright air of day from outside.
Yes, he knew the time. Just because he was in bed didn’t mean he wasn’t working. Since when did staying in bed becoming associated with laziness and unproductivity? He was someone lucky enough to know himself very well. Well enough to realise that he was at his most productive when lying in bed.
But he was wrong. It was too easy to let one’s physical posture affect one’s attitude, and he realized only much later that perhaps he should have adopted a more conventional position when trying to work from home.
*
I realise I use a lot of dialogue, summary and inner monologue. Summary and inner monologue especially blend into each other. Is the difference the span of time that they cover? Inner monologue is ‘in the moment’, summary is the character’s thoughts over a much wider period of time. Or is it the difference the degree to which the words are coloured by a character’s voice? If it sounds like the character, it’s inner monologue. If it sounds like a detached narrator, it’s summary.
Action and description are also hard to distinguish. Thanks for the post, it made me realise I have very little description in my writing (I’m more of a cerebral person) and hence my settings suffer.