Today, I have an unusual writing tip for you.
See if these sound familiar:
- A hand passed through my hair.
- A foot slid past the puddle.
- Her eyes flew across the kitchen.
Each of these shares the same problem: a severed body part stole the lead.
Who Is Your Subject?
This is an easy trap to fall into because we're trying to write well, and we know writing well means showing instead of telling. Unfortunately, this isn't the way to do that.
When we say a hand slid through my hair, we're actually saying a random, disconnected hand just popped your personal-space bubble and latched onto your scalp.
When we say a foot slid past the puddle, we're saying that we watched in awe as a disembodied foot maneuvered its way past that muddy hole, likely leaving a really weird trail in its wake.
Do I even need to explain eyeballs flying across kitchens all by themselves?
Why This Matters
Will you see this in published books? Yep, quite often.
Will most readers consciously even notice this weird little quirk? Well, you will now that I've pointed it out, but no, most won't.
So why does it matter? Because it does the worst possible thing your writing can do: it disconnects your readers from your characters by taking the spotlight away.
Readers enjoy stories they empathize with. They have to be able to relate to your characters in order to love your world. When you take action and emotion away from your characters and give them to things (a hand, an eye, a mouth), you've unplugged your reader from whatever emotion you were building in the scene.
It doesn't matter if you say His lips moved, filled with avarice. You've just said the character does not feel avarice, but that his lips—who are unnamed and not really interesting—feel all the things.
Your reader will not see this consciously, but they will be aware of it on a deeper level. This is the kind of detail that makes the difference between the book was okay and I want to go live in that world.
Clarity Is Key
Part of our job as writers is to create clear images in readers' heads. Yes, I know that some of you want to shout, the reader knows what I mean! The reader knows when you mean when you misspell words, too, but is that how you want to write?
The goal here is to ensure your character is the one doing and saying things. Instead of His eyes told the whole tale, you could say, His eyes darkened as he told his tale. That works because the character remains in focus, while his eyeballs stay where they belong—in his face.
Let's try those first three examples again, only this time, we'll show instead of telling, expanding each one just enough to make them fun.
- A hand passed through my hair. I ran my hand through my hair, getting it sticky with engine oil.
- A foot slid past the puddle. He slid past the puddle, leading with his feet as though afraid of being bitten.
- Her eyes flew across the kitchen. She stared across the kitchen, frozen.
Let's try a few more.
Her eyes followed me with hate across the room. Probably picking up lint as they went, am I right? Instead, try, She glared daggers at me from across the room.
His eyes locked onto my lips, hungry. These eyes are so evolved they have their own gastronomical system! Instead, try, He stared at my lips like he was starving and I was a feast.
A frown crept angrily onto his face. Ew, squish it! Instead, try, He frowned, anger twisting his lips like a devil's.
Of course, I elaborated here. You could also go super-simple. She glared at me with hate across the room. He stared at my lips, hungry. He frowned, angry.
Avoid Disembodied Thieves
All these changes keep the character in the spotlight, which is what you want. They also keep your reader engaged. If you want your readers to remain plugged into your characters, then apply this writing tip. Avoid disembodied thieves.
Can you think of other examples where body parts stole the show? Let us know in the comments!
PRACTICE
For fifteen minutes, try writing a scene without any disembodied thievery. Or, if you like bucking rules, write a scene with as much disembodied thievery as you can cram in. Post your scene in the comments, and don’t forget to comment on your fellow writers' pieces!
I’ve never really thought about this phenomenon before, but now that I do I realize I use it all the time. I’m especially guilty of the disembodied eyes. I edited a scene to remove those phrases. I don’t know that it feels hugely different, but reviews are always appreciated!
I walked out of the bathroom – straight into Honey. I jumped, biting back a yelp of surprise.
“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!”
I released my breath shakily, my heart still pounding in my chest. “It’s fine.” I expected she was waiting her turn for the bathroom, and would now make a move to go in, but she stayed where she was. She played with the string of her apron, appraising me uncertainly with wide blue eyes. “Um, can I help you, or?”
Honey chewed her lower lip, scraping off the thick pink gloss. “Can I talk to you, Doctor? It’s about Detective Cameron.”
I had absolutely no idea what was going on, but curiosity always got the better of me. “Sure. What about Detective Cameron?”
Honey continued fidgeting with the apron string for another minute or so, then she sighed. “No use beating around the bush,” she muttered, more to herself than to me. She straightened up and looked me in the eye. “Do you like her?”
I stammered for a few seconds as I tried to parse her question and find a suitable answer. Like her, like her how? “I’ve only just met her really. We’re colleagues. She’s good at her job. I like working with her.”
Honey rolled her eyes with (to me) unaccountable exasperation. “Okay, that’s great, but I meant more like – do you like her?”
I cast my mind back to distant high school sleepovers. “Are you asking if I have a crush on her?”
“Basically, yeah.”
Do I have it written on my forehead or something? was what I thought. What I said was, “I’m straight.”
She snorted. “Nobody’s totally straight anymore.”
I didn’t have a response to that, so I ignored it. “Can I ask why I’m getting the third degree?”
Honey smiled with a mixture of fondness and frustration that was uncannily reminiscent of my mother. “Sorry, I know I’m being nosy. I just worry about her is all.”
“You worry about Detective Cameron?”
She nodded. “A few years ago I was in a lot of trouble. I won’t bother you with the whole sob story. The important part is that I ran away from home and ended up in Briar Creek. I got arrested for shoplifting. Detective Cameron took care of me. She paid my fine, got me this job and an apartment. She gets lunch here at least once a week to check up on me. She acts like she’s so tough, but she’s a good person. I think she gets lonely, you know? All she does is work, work, work. She likes you, though, I can tell. Would you do me a favor and look out for her? She needs someone to have her back.”
“Well, I –” Honey stared me down with expectant solemnity. I felt a bit like King Arthur approaching the stone. “I – I’ll do my best.”
The staring continued. I started to fidget. Was I allowed to leave now? Or was there some kind of chivalric code I had to swear to to respect Alicia’s honor and protect the weak and defenseless? A mental image rose unbidden of Alicia in one of those pointy princess hats sighing and fluttering a handkerchief. I gave myself a little shake to get rid of it.
Just as I was about to break into a nervous sweat, Honey beamed at me. “Well, that’s all I can ask for!” And with that she flounced back the way she had come. I stood there a moment longer, I think in a mild state of shock, before I remembered Alicia was waiting for me in the car. Crap. We were supposed to be on our way ten minutes ago.
I hurried from the back alcove, making my way through the diner to the front door. Honey waved brightly from behind the counter. “Bye! Have fun with your murder!” I waved back, silently thanking God I was a tea drinker, because this place definitely put something in the coffee.
Great word choices! I enjoyed the read.
This was amazing! My favorite line has to be Honey saying “Nobody’s totally straight anymore.” I thought your piece was well written and it had my attention from beginning to end. The only thing that caught me was ‘Do I have it written on my forehead or something? was what I thought. What I said was, “I’m straight.”’ I felt that the sentences didn’t really flow as well as the rest of the piece. It seems a lot more choppy. Maybe try: “I’m straight.” I say, wondering how it could be so obvious. Or something. The way you distinguished between thought and her speaking out seemed to interrupt the pace you had going. Other than that I loved it.
I am absolutely in love with this. The description is amazingly put together. It makes me want to know the whole story.
I edged into the smoky, crowded bar. From across the room, I caught her eye. Even in the dim light, when I saw it there in the palm of my hand, I realized that it was her good eye.
Hahaha!
Well that was unexpected 😀 Loved it!
Great example, and a very funny image that it creates.
Wow! This is really amazing. Looking forward to see more 🙂
Good eye???
Her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Beads of sweat trickled from her brow. Her body slammed to the floor. Her arms and legs jerked uncontrollably. Her mouth made gagging sounds. I didn’t know what to do. I had never seen anyone have a seizure before. I wanted to run away but all I could do was stand and stare. Someone grabbed a spoon and shoved it into her mouth. Another held her head and wiped her brow. In a few moments, it was over. But that experience, lingered forever in my memory.
Very visceral. The choppy sentence structure really conveys the immediacy of the moment. Good job!
I was guilty until a friend kept pointing them out and at first I didn’t understand why he thought they were bad and now I know, LOL
Now I think I perhaps go too deep – this is from a short I’m writing now:
She loved her tiny apartment, with her mish-mashed curbside furnishings and the crazy art that adorned the walls. Her gaze fell on the tangible Impasto of scarlet and ochre swirls that miraculously made the countenance of a jazz player, blowing an indigo trumpet.
Maybe – her glance was caught by the intangible …
Great post. Here’s my effort:
Taylor walked into a bar. It was an iron bar. Once he’d picked himself up and run a hand through his thinning hair, he swung the doors of the saloon open and cast an eye round the room. Doyle was sitting all by himself in a corner hugging a pint glass to his bosom. Taylor went over, sat down and let his face do the talking. Doyle was in no mood to argue, he had a nose for a good story and wanted to hear Taylor’s version. Taylor was all ears too and decided to hang back and let Doyle play his opening gambit.
“You’ve got a bee in your bonnet about something,” said Taylor.
“Nah,” said Doyle, “you’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Doyle’s brain went into overdrive and was working at one hundred miles per hour. “I’ll tell you what,” he said. “Let me buy you a drink.” He stood up and was conveyed to the bar by his short, but perfectly formed, legs.
Taylor sat there and his mind wandered hither and thither, going over the events of the last few weeks. His fingers toyed with the pool of spilt beer on the table top. One thought kept coming back into his mind, even though he tried to push it away. Doyle must be involved in something shady, otherwise he’d have thrown in the towel by now. A frown appeared on Taylor’s worried brow.
Doyle was taking too long with the drinks, so Taylor got up and left. Doyle could take his medicine but he couldn’t dish it out. It was time for a change of pace.
I had to look up this word: avarice. So not that this post is talking about words we dont know and have to look up. But this is another thing we need to avoid. Taking the reader out of the story causing them to look something up.
But ahum,,, do go into explanation of eyeballs bouncing across the room.lol hehe that was funny.
Maybe this is a legit question. how would you create the sense of mystery and suspense and want to say
“A hand gripped my shoulder from behind. I didn’t know who it was because when I turned I was met with nothing but darkness….”
Wouldn’t that be a disembodied body part?
Sam stifled yet another yawn, and rubbed her tired gritty eyes, ‘truly,’ she thought if she didn’t get some sleep soon her eyes would fall out or that was how they felt, in fact, she ached pretty much all over and her head seemed to be full of fog. She stole a look at Arthur as he rested on her shoulder; that would be right she thought. Awake all night and then asleep when it’s time to wake up,
I just reread what I posted and I don’t think the fog bit sounds right. This is actually part of a story so any help would be great.,, and what about the ‘poor little mite” am I calling him a bug?
Maybe, her head felt as though she’d stuffed it full of cotton wool?
Thank you, that would sound better.
Ruthanne, thanks so much for this post. I am not going to engage in a practice today as I am behind schedule on many chores today, but I must thank you for making clear how important it is for a writer to attach action to the main character. There are two reasons I believe I have developed the disembodiment technique. I am writing this so I can catch myself in the future, not because this I think it’s a brilliant analysis. It is for me, however, a shining light over my marble head!. When I was in high school, I took Latin. The passive voice was difficult for me to learn and use in translation. I studied the passive voice so intensely that I practice it in English as much as in Latin just to understand how to use it properly. Also I had a semi-understanding of spirituality in my early college days. A primary tenet I took from my spiritual quest was to diminish the “I” from my writing. I acted as if I didn’t use the word “I” I was somehow a more noble character. Well between using the passive voice and erasing the “I” from writing; disembodiment reigned supreme. The objective now must be to gain clarity and when in the first person learn to use I judiciously for the reader’s sake as well as my own. Thanks again for the post.
I agree with this post for the most part. It all depends on the person and their writing style. Maybe the entire novel is intended to show the course of depression in someone. Removing their emotions by disembodiment can allow the reader connect with the facade sub-consciously. This can make them understand how the character smiles and talks but on the inside they are not fine at all. Another thing to consider is writing style. Maybe the author writes that way because of the mood or tone it radiates.
Josephine Prentiss McNair closed her eyes for the last time on a Thursday morning in May and instantly found herself wide awake. “Why am I in bed at this hour?” she said aloud. “I’ve got work to do and plenty of it.” She threw aside the bedcovers, but they didn’t move. She kicked at them. Her feet appeared on top of the bedquilt, a lovely Star of Bethlehem she’d worked on for almost 10 years. She regarded her feet with surprise, but her thoughts were of the quilt. “All those scraps of cloth and little, tiny stitches. Callum said I’d die before it was done. I finished it, Callum. Indeed, I did. You’re the one who died, poor soul.” Josephine was sure she hadn’t opened her mouth, but she heard the words as if she had.
Sitting up, she swung her feet over the side and stood, stretching. “Ah!” she sighed. “Doesn’t that feel good!” On a whim, she touched her toes and came back up. “And my back doesn’t hurt. Imagine that after all these years.” The room was dark, the curtains still closed. “I must have fallen asleep again.” At the window, she reached up to open them. Her hands passed through the cloth, remaining partly visible as she spread them wide. The curtains remained motionless. She tried again several times before giving up. “The daily inspection,” she said. “I’ll do that.” At the standing mirror, she gave a little shriek and backed away. A much younger woman looked out at her, a woman with long auburn hair and smooth, lightly freckled skin. Green eyes. Her feet, small and bare, stood on the rag rug Josephine herself had made. And her nightdress! It was big enough for three women her size. “Why, she looks just like Helen wearing my clothes.”
“Not Helen, lass. You.” It was a man’s voice. She turned, and there was Callum, standing in the doorway, looking just as he had the day of their marriage, fifty-three years ago last June.
Ahh. So sweet, in the nicest way. Well written.
Simple, subtle, succinct . . . . .SPLENDID !
Abso love Half-Shell Prophecies. But don’t have Kindle, only computer. Would that work? Hint: I’m no longer in my teens.
Let me think, I’ll respond to your flying body parts shortly.
I nearly died. I nearly left this planet. If it was not because of my niece, I would not have been here today. We were outside when she commenced to rebuke me at the slightest provocation. After a few minutes, she ran to the kitchen door, to fetch an edged, sharp knife. I really did not know what was happening that day. Luckily, my niece happened to hide all knives in the kitchen, as she overheard her talking to one of her friends that she wants me dead that day. I never thought that my mother would do such a thing.
Terra
There are some scars that dissapear almost overnight. The one on my forearm had been something like that, but the pain, well lets just say it loooves keeping me up overnight. Today was little different, the muscles screaming for notice, my fingernails scratching and squeezing in a desperate attempt to pull the out the thorns inside. My body spasms, pleading notice and my eyelids flicker into an image of blue lit floor. My pale fingers find purchase on the bedside cabinet, the echos of long healed wounds sending cold tendrils down my arm. I want to use the other but its frozen around my wrist.An unearthly scream floats through the room. That wasn’t me, it couln’t have been me.
8 ‘my’s. Could’ve been better.
This is a great point! I need to do less of this in my writing. One exception to the rule that I can think of (playing devil’s advocate here) is when you’re depersonalizing someone on purpose, as in this sentence, “Mr. Smith had felt the irrational need to stop, turn around, push back for no reason at all, but the arms from behind pushed forward and the backs in front moved ahead.” In that case, the “body parts” are an effective depersonalization mechanic.
Good god, Ms. Reid, your ignorance is showing. The three instance you reference above are all in the realm of a figure of speech — specifically synecdoche. A part representing or standing in for the whole: head of state, glasses for spectacles, bubbly for champagne, hand in marriage, etc. Readers get that. Sometimes a writer might want to take the focus super-sharp,
I think it is ill-advised and arrogant to be pushing a “rule” that you obviously do not understand, or worse the continued dumbing down of the populace by lack of knowledge about the FOS. Saying that synecdoche is “wrong” or to be “avoided” is a kin to saying there is no room for similes or metaphors. And I’m pretty sure you used a couple above…let’s go look shall we?
“…keep the character in the spotlight” <—That's not literal, right?
"…readers to remain plugged into" <—This either, hmm? (BTW, that should be plugged in to)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synecdoche
Excellent advice! Thank you!
Good tip and probably not something I would’ve noticed myself.
I will repeat more gentle than I did before (earlier comment deleted). I disagree with this advice. The technique being disparaged here is a perfectly acceptable Figure of Speech called Synecdoche. It’s a technique to be recognized and used as needed just like simile or metaphor or any of dozens of other FoS.